It's Okay to not be Okay

I thought I was ok. I did cry, but then I put on a brave face for my kids and many distractions took over. I went through the motions of each day without really letting emotions in. Last week we miscarried at 5 weeks. I thought because it was so soon that it wouldn't leave me stinging with emotional pain. I didn't want to cry in front of my kids or anyone for that matter for fear of it turning into that "ugly cry". But as I sat alone the night after it happened, I felt it welling up inside and tears poured down.

I thought I should be happy. I felt guilt because I have 2 wonderful healthy children and here I am crying because we lost one at a mere 5 weeks. Guilt because I know other people longing for a child of their own. I felt selfish for grieving. But a dear friend told me this one thing that changed my view on this guilt. There is NO comparison in grief. You are allowed to grieve, no matter what. It seemed almost too simple, but this allowed walls to come down and some healing to take place.

So this past week, I have let myself grieve, cry, journal, talk with others, listen to those songs that make you cry, and pray. There are no rules for grief and no shame to let these feelings be. What I long for is for people to really tell me how they are doing. What I learned was that all too often I will hide how I'm doing. Last week I remember saying to someone "I'm pretty good". And that was that. But I want to know how everyone is doing beyond the "good" and so here I am, sharing some of the tough stuff life brings in hopes that we all can open up just a little and not let fear hold us back.

"Grief I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

(I have no idea who wrote but thought it was beautifully written)

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

Thanks for sharing in this journey of life and for reading this friends!

Love,

Lindsay

#grief #loss #miscarriage #hope